The English language is complex and can be interesting, as even native speakers of it know. Recently I was reading an article about our Metro subway system and eating lunch. At the end of one line were the words “riders will need to pay extra”. At that point I glanced away to take a forkful and in that moment I was thinking about paying more money for a particular feature and wondering how that would work. When my fork met my mouth I went back to reading and saw that the next word was “attention.” This created for me a whole new understanding of our phrase “pay attention.”
If I think of “pay” as an investment or even an item for barter it adds importance to the areas to which I direct my attention. What am I paying for? What return do I expect? And very importantly, am I squandering my attention?
Our attention does have value. Do we pay attention to the natural world around us? Do we pay attention to the needs and concerns of others? Do we pay attention to our own impact on everyone and everything in our environment. We can judge the values of a business or a government by the things on which it spends its money. How does my attention reveal my values and am I being true to myself in that to which I attend?
March 30th, 2012
It is an amazing March here in DC, with a warm springing urging the daffodils out, cheering the flowering ground cover and plants that are reemerging after the winter, rejoicing in the early cherry blossoms. i love witnessing the growth and fresh signs of life just as I do every year.
This March most amazing of all to me is the new life of my new grandson. I was privileged to cheer and watch him emerge into this world from the safety of my daughter’s womb Monday morning. I was not really sleepy during the long night of watching because my energies were completely focused on my daughter’s experience. I wasn’t one of the birth coaches, but I realized I was in coach/facilitator mode in being tuned to her energy and experience as she labored to bring forth this new human, and as her husband attended to her. And then the marvel of his actual birth!
One can only imagine the experience of the child growing and thriving and pushing against the limits in that dark secure surrounding, then being part of these urgent waves taking him down the canal and into the light. He arrived with only a small cry announcing his presence among us.
I think in our delight in exuberant shows of life we sometimes forget that gratitude is appropriate also for those periods of rest, of gathering energies, of quiet shifts and growth. These make possible the grand shows later. We all need those periods that mimic the rhythms of nature. And some labor in those gardens and wombs of life, supporting the healing or learning of others as they prepare for reemergence.
Welcome, Odin Nathaniel.
March 14th, 2012
“It’s like looking in a mirror and hearing back from myself.” This comment was made to me by one of my coaching clients to describe her experience of our work together. I was delighted because it is such a good description of coaching and particularly useful in distinguishing coaching from other work.
A good coach helps people notice things that had been there but had not received any focus or that could benefit from being viewed in a different way. A shift in a behavior or in an emotion that one brings to an activity can open up new possibilities for action and result. Sometimes noticing a behavior or emotion helps us bring them into play more often, when we want to call on them.
A friend who is also a coach was asking me recently how I create insights that are useful for the client, hoping to hear what process I follow. It was a great coaching question because I had not been aware of a “how” until I began to describe it to her. I described feeling a resonance with my client and then when the client described a situation to me and I experienced that situation as constraint or a block I knew that was an area where I wanted to create a new awareness.
I know this practice of coaching begs for a name so we can distinguish it from athletic coaching. “Executive coaching” and “Leadership coaching” really don’t tell the whole story. Newfield Network uses the term “ontological coaching” but I don’t find that very accessible. Perhaps it’s “mirror coaching”.
March 3rd, 2012
A client wanted to explore being calm. The client already knew a path to calm and needed reinforced to use it – breathing, deep breathing in particular. A practice of just a very minutes of deep breathing a day will make it available when one really needs it.
The simplicity of this practice made the possibility very real and we used that starting point as a leverage for some other desired shifts in behavior, especially the need for increased skill in active listening. For this one can monitor one’s body posture as well as breath. If the body is positioned to pounce at the next break in conversation, a person is probably experiencing a sense of urgency to enter the conversation. In sitting back the body prepares for receptivity and a deep breath quiets the busyness in mind. This stillness prepares the way for truly listening to another person.
Active listening is a practice many people say they desire, but in the heat of the moment other desires become greater. This is true of other practices, too. The question is how to lower the temperature of the moment and find a little calm so other desires can come forward or reason can enter into the situation.
I’ve had several people report great success when they hold back from reaction and take a moment to reflect or process. Finding a way to “hit pause” is like having a magic wand.
January 18th, 2012
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This past week The Washington Post and AP picked up on an experiment conducted by scientists at Cornell University. It involved masking an event by having it occur in a way that the speed of light would not bring it to observers’ eyes or attention. The articles also referenced a slightly earlier experiment that bent light rays in such a way that observers could no longer see an object or its attendant event. If we can’t see what is there then what has happened to certainty in our world?
As much as we desire certainty and feel our world rocking when we can’t know things, many people have been reminding us for years that we can’t be certain of things. What I see is not necessarily what you see even if we are in the same room. The past really doesn’t predict the future, especially when circumstances are changing at a rapid rate. We used to think we could control our world. We are beginning to see that as an illusion.
The uncertainty of our world, or perhaps better phrased as the uncertainty of which we have become aware, makes many people uncomfortable. So if we can’t force tomorrow or even the next minute to be the way we want it to be how do we behave in a way to invite the most appealing or successful alternatives? Choice is still real. But if we look at circumstances, events and people as we have always looked at them we see no more than the possibilities we saw before and choices are very limited. The approach then, and this is the coach approach, is to slow down enough to ask ourselves what other perspectives we might take, how else we can see what is going on and our own reactions. In openness and inquiry lie the secrets to a future that unfolds more generously with more possibilities.
January 8th, 2012
I was listening to a jazz performance last night of Nasar Abadey (drums), James King (bass) and Allyn Johnson (piano), all out of DC, and Azar Lawrence (saxaphones) from California. The first piece they played is one of Nasar’s called “Covenant”. I thought I was hearing a covenant among the musicians to build around the tone of a chime that he used at the beginning and I began thinking more largely about basic covenants in jazz as the agreements of musicians to create around the spine of a piece of music and to honor the contributions of each other.
So I spoke to Nasar at break about my reflection. He affirmed the truth of it and told me there is also an agreement with the Almighty to receive inspiration and let the music flow through them. And, I added, it flows through the audience and back to the musicians in energy.
With the depth of this discussion I decided that “covenants” is a good topic for reflection and self coaching. Taking my advice I pondered and realized that a very important covenant in my life is among my adult children and me, and I further realized I had allowed it to remain implied. How much stronger it will be when we explicitly agree that we will tell the truth about what we need and about what we are able to promise.
I appreciate the “covenant” overlay on life events and future possibilities. I will offer that to coaching clients. My gratitude to the musicians for more than the immediate enjoyment of their music.
December 11th, 2011
As a friend of mine spoke with a group of us last night about polarities the discussion called to mind a concern I had just been hearing about work-life balance. When I hear anyone mention “work life balance” I hear it as a shorthand expression for some larger concern and those larger concerns seem to vary with the speaker. I think polarity leveraging gives us insight into these issues. (See Polarity Management Associates.)
We Westerners seem to have a lot of training in either-or thinking, beginning with parental choices and extending into philosophical discussions about the horns of a dilemma. While some situations are indeed dilemmas demanding we choose one or the other alternative, we can see new possibilities for action by recognizing others as polarities as two legitimate values that exist in dynamic tension . The first basic example that Cliff gave us (see Cliff Kayser) was inhaling and exhaling. It’s easy to see the upside of each. Thinking a little about it we can all see the downside to staying in either mode to the exclusion of the other. Okay, so healthy life, in fact life at all, depends on our accessing both. We could make a shallow inhale and a shallow exhale and achieve balance. Is this the best way to make use of the breathing functions? Most of us don’t think so and it is hard to get through a day without someone, maybe even ourselves, saying “remember your deep breaths, with long inhales and long exhales”.
If we think about any polarities in our life (exercise-relaxation?, listening-speaking?, independence-dependence?, and many others you can think of quickly) we can see how either value can be very attractive, that both values are attractive at different moments, and that each has a down side when we do too much of it or remain there to the exclusion of the other. Are there polarities lurking within the work-life balance phrase? Some people might say yes and describe them as “dedication to quality work” and “dedication to quality personal life”. How you describe the components of these poles will be important to your decision for action. Describing the down side of each will probably come easily to those who notice a struggle. Polarity leveraging asks us to notice how much of the good stuff we are getting out of each of the two values, and how much time we are spending in the bad stuff (staying in one too long). It then asks us what action steps we can take to access more of each of the values. And what early warning signs should we heed that indicate we are going too far into the down side of either.
I believe setting up dedication to quality work and dedication to quality personal life as polarities encourages us to seek excellence in both and gives credence to those nagging feelings we have when we know it is “out of balance.” We could balance both by doing a little of each on the up side and also dwelling in the downsides of each, but it would certainly not be a satisfying balance. The attractive choice is clearly to seek ways of achieving excellence in both values and not only forgive ourselves for not living in one overly long but actually celebrate our ability to move between the two. In recognizing them as polarities we embrace both without guilt and ask what specific actions will take us on our chosen path.
December 1st, 2011
Whether the event in question is a client experience to facilitate, as it sometimes is with me and my colleagues, or a presentation, or a meeting discussion, there is a time to prepare and there is a time when preparation needs to be complete so one can perform. Another facilitator and I were saying this to each other just this week. There is a time to prepare and a time to perform.
Preparation means understanding the matter at hand, understanding the people involved and having a plan for a rich experience with a meaningful flow as well as some back up ideas that can be drawn on. The more deeply one has absorbed these elements, the more readily one can draw on them when they are needed. Perhaps that seems obvious. The more subtle aspect of this preparation is that one is creating a vest of capability and confidence that one then wears into the performance. And that becomes important in how you show up.
Perform does not mean an artificial exercise. I use the word to indicate that all of you is being observed when you are trying to make a point, trying to persuade, helping a group to find resolution, or rallying morale. Surely we have all been addressed at some time by a person who’s head was buried in his notes, or been in a meeting with someone whose body language was crying discomfort or lack of confidence. And just as surely that physical message has affected how we received the spoken message. When it is time to perform the most important thing one can do is to show up completely, be completely present. You will know it in your breathing, in the sensed strength of your body and in your attention to what seems to be happening with the people with whom you are interacting. They will know it in your solid but relaxed posture, in your voice that comes from deep in your abdomen and rings true, and in your appropriate expressions and responses to their comments and concerns.
Preparation provides the material for performance. Preparation provides the confidence for believable body language. Bringing oneself totally into the moment allows the coherence of body, emotion and language that allows people to find us credible.
October 6th, 2011
The recent deluge of rain in the DC area (with big apologies to my friends in Texas!) reminds me of the gypsy curse, “May you get what you wish for,” and the popularized version, “Be careful what you wish for, you might get it.” It had been too hot and dry here for most of the summer, at least as I remember it, and there were many days when I wished for rain. Now it’s all here at once.
Of course, I don’t believe that my wishes brought the rain. Unlike in other aspects of life. And even in life wishing alone doesn’t bring change; we must act on our wish or our dream. Usually the wish or the dream comes first, then some concrete early steps. In coaching it is not unusual to ask someone what is holding him/her back from acting on a dream, or holding him/her back from dreaming big. The answer is sometimes a lack of belief in oneself, belief in being able to attain something grand, or belief in one’s ability to act on the success. What if I got a book contract? oh dear, then I would have to finish writing the book. What if I got the ideal job? I would have to fulfill high expectations. This is a train of thought with which many people can identify and it is commonly said that people are more afraid of success than they are of failure. This has validity.
There is another valid point of view. The wish might not be grounded in what is central and important for a person. It might not fit with other aspects of life that one is growing toward. Dreaming big in one person’s terms might not be big in another person’s because it might run counter to a value system. In this alternative view, it is important for an individual to go through a practice of centering or self examination or coaching that leads to discovery. And then it is important to select a journey that will be rewarding in the moment because the future is uncertain. It might rain a little day after day or deluge might follow a long dry spell.
September 8th, 2011
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